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Archive for February 28th, 2009

Happy Birthday NuNu

Happy Birthday! Graphic

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I Just Don’t Understand

This may go on and on and be a little sad, but I need to unload this off of me.

Most of the time I think I’m a pretty smart person and usually don’t let hardly anything keep me from getting a good night’s sleep, but I haven’t slept in about two weeks now. I take little naps at night, any time over 3 hours I can forget about it. I’m up at night and through the day thinking about Celle and how much he meant to me and how much I’m going to miss him and already do. I know death occurs daily, but for some reason I can’t understand why he had to die, especially when, from what I saw, he looked fine. I don’t know if he knew just how much I looked up to him and how much he encouraged me and made it easier for me to be able to deal with my situation. We didn’t talk that much, but I knew that he was the one person who truly knew how I felt and his mom knew how my mom feels.

He touched so many people and sometimes I feel kind of selfish for wanting him to still be here for me, but I just don’t know what else to feel. I would’ve never thought that his passing would affect me so much, but I guess I underestimated how much both Fred and I relied on him. Just knowing that he was living so close to me brought so much comfort and peace, even before I left the hospital. Seeing him in the hospital and encouraging me, made my recovery more manageable and the condition accepting. I thank the Lord for allowing me 4 years with him and hope I can let go of him without losing my mind. I know I usually don’t express my feelings, but I miss him so much. I selfishly believe that he was put here to be my angel and get me through what God knew would be in my future. He was like a little brother that guided me and his mom became my mom, just as my mom became his. We were and still are a family. Celle will ALWAYS be in my heart. I thank him for being there for and with me throughout everything. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for you, Fred and Mark. Whether you knew/know it or not, y’all keep me going and smiling. I’ll try to let go and remember that you faced every obstacle head-on and didn’t let anything hold you down. or keep you in the house, for that matter :). I’ll hold onto the memories and smile when I think of you and know that you did what you were supposed to do, now it’s my turn and I shouldn’t let you down or myself. I just want to say THANK YOU for allowing me to be a part of your life.

Writing this has lifted my spirits and made me smile. I’m happy about that.

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