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Posts Tagged ‘Emotions’

Grieving In Silence

Grieving is a part of healing. I know that. What I can’t comprehend is “how long does one grieve and when does it become unhealthy?” I have been grieving in silence for 3 months now and I’m a little worried about the way that I’m feeling about Celle’s passing. I want to talk to someone  and express how I’m feeling, but not just anyone. There are about 3 people who I would truly feel comfortable having a conversation about him with, but the sad thing is, neither of them know that I need and want to talk to them about Celle. I really don’t know how long  after I’ve had the conversation with these people that it’s going to take for me to feel better, but in the past, talking about him has made me feel better. I just miss him so much, even I don’t understand it. The way that I feel, one would think that I was in a relationship with him. Maybe I feel this way because I really and truly thought of him as famly and it’s like a family member is gone. I will never forget him and what he did for me.

I REALLY MISS YOU

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Today we ripped this meme off a blogger called Kontan from Kontan’s Place. She explains that she stole the meme from Tense. But, it was probably stolen at that blog as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!

Sunday Stealing: The Random Question Meme

1. How old do you look? at the most,  22

2. Where do you live? MS

3. Are you waiting for something? Yeah

4. What’s one pet peeve of yours that is not common? I’m crazy about how my food looks on my plate

5. Do you want/have kids? not sure

6. Have you ever thought about converting your religion? no

7. Last shocking news you heard? Inappropriate to share

8. What was the last thing you drank? water

9. Who do you most look like in your family? probably, my sister

10. If you could have something right now, anything, what would it be?

11. Where does most of your family live? scattered throughout the south

12. Where did you grow up? MS

13. Where do you want to go on vacation? anywhere but here

14. Have you ever had a panic attack? yes

15. What can’t you wait for? at the moment, I’m hungry, so I’ll say ‘to eat’

16. When’s the last time you told someone you loved him or her and meant it? last night

17. Have your parents ever smoked pot? no

18. Want someone back in your life? yeah, but I don’t think his wife would approve

19. What do you order at the bar? anything fruity

20. When was the last time you cried really, really hard? Friday, I was reading a post on my blog

21. Ever licked someone’s cheek? if possible, it was a sibling

22. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? jelly and milk

23. Where were you on July 4th, 2008? Memphis

24. What are your nicknames? Kim

25. If you could go back in time, how far back would you go? 5 years, to 2003

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After writing this post where I unloaded a lot of my feelings concerning Celle and talking to his mom, I had a good night’s sleep. I slept really good both Saturday and Sunday nights, and I’m thankful for the turnaround. And with the turn-around has come some CRAZY dreams, I mean really weird, but I’ll take them if I can sleep.

One dream was about me climbing a mountain with a group of people. We were all racing to the top, but for some reason I had a purse. I put the race down and continued climbing up the hill. I looked around and someone had stolen my purse. I went back down the hill to look for the thief and the police were looking for me, to arrest me.lol. And to my amazement, the police were my sisters, Cane and Barbara. They started chasing after me, but I somehow fought them off and got away. After all the running, I awoke, thinking “this is crazy.”

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I Just Don’t Understand

This may go on and on and be a little sad, but I need to unload this off of me.

Most of the time I think I’m a pretty smart person and usually don’t let hardly anything keep me from getting a good night’s sleep, but I haven’t slept in about two weeks now. I take little naps at night, any time over 3 hours I can forget about it. I’m up at night and through the day thinking about Celle and how much he meant to me and how much I’m going to miss him and already do. I know death occurs daily, but for some reason I can’t understand why he had to die, especially when, from what I saw, he looked fine. I don’t know if he knew just how much I looked up to him and how much he encouraged me and made it easier for me to be able to deal with my situation. We didn’t talk that much, but I knew that he was the one person who truly knew how I felt and his mom knew how my mom feels.

He touched so many people and sometimes I feel kind of selfish for wanting him to still be here for me, but I just don’t know what else to feel. I would’ve never thought that his passing would affect me so much, but I guess I underestimated how much both Fred and I relied on him. Just knowing that he was living so close to me brought so much comfort and peace, even before I left the hospital. Seeing him in the hospital and encouraging me, made my recovery more manageable and the condition accepting. I thank the Lord for allowing me 4 years with him and hope I can let go of him without losing my mind. I know I usually don’t express my feelings, but I miss him so much. I selfishly believe that he was put here to be my angel and get me through what God knew would be in my future. He was like a little brother that guided me and his mom became my mom, just as my mom became his. We were and still are a family. Celle will ALWAYS be in my heart. I thank him for being there for and with me throughout everything. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for you, Fred and Mark. Whether you knew/know it or not, y’all keep me going and smiling. I’ll try to let go and remember that you faced every obstacle head-on and didn’t let anything hold you down. or keep you in the house, for that matter :). I’ll hold onto the memories and smile when I think of you and know that you did what you were supposed to do, now it’s my turn and I shouldn’t let you down or myself. I just want to say THANK YOU for allowing me to be a part of your life.

Writing this has lifted my spirits and made me smile. I’m happy about that.

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